As author of the story “Eternal Grind,” about two female demons working and loving in corporate Christian Hell, I’m pleased to invite readers to discover their inner demon fantasies…or just to fulfill their pleasure in taking simplistic but fun personality quizzes!
For the following questions, choose the answer that most closely matches your personal preference. Your results will tell you which afterlife you’d suit best as a low-level immortal, and what you’d likely be doing.
1. Favorite kind of movie to lose yourself in?
a. Melodramas or chick flicks
b. Family films
c. Porn
d. Comedies—the dumber the better
e. Slice-of-life dramas or documentaries
2. Best place for a first date?
a. My place, so I can cook a nice meal
b. A park, for a leisurely walk
c. Swinger or BDSM club
d. Comedy club
e. Coffee house
3. What might you wear on that first date?
a. French maid or butler costume
b. Something handmade
c. As little as possible
d. A t-shirt that reads “For Entertainment Purposes Only”
e. Khakis and polo shirt
4. How do you express emotions?
a. I try not to
b. Via hobbies
c. With my safeword
d. With laughter
e. Politely
5. Favorite secondary character from the Wizard of Oz?
a. Toto
b. Auntie Em
c. Flying Monkey
d. The Wizard
e. A member of the Lollipop Guild
6. Favorite toy?
a. Baby doll
b. Big box of crayons
c. Toy handcuffs
d. Fake dog poo
e. Kitchen playset
7. Best time of day?
a. Bright and early
b. Long afternoon
c. Just before the dawn
d. Long quiet evenings
e. It’s all the same to me
You're done! Hope you enjoyed the ride. Now count your answers by letter and use the following guide:
Mostly a’s: All aboard for Elysium (Ancient Greek Mythology): Those favored by the gods for their righteousness, heroism, or other arbitrary reasons remain in this blessed, happy place, indulging in whatever they enjoyed in life. Your immortal task is to assist these blissful souls to maintain their eternal illusion. Sell them their goods, clean their homes—typical servant stuff…forever. Fortunately, they like to rest, so you’ll find time to make mischief now and then.
Mostly b’s: You’re headed to Nirvana (Hindu and Buddhist Mythology): Nirvana is liberation from the repeating cycle of birth, life, and death. For Hindu’s, it offers union with Brahman, the divine ground of existence and a blissful egolessness. For you, it mostly seems like everyone has drunk the Kool-Aid. You’ll either go with the flow and live in endless, mindless peace, or indulge in some decorative arts to make everyone extra comfy. Perhaps weaving or sewing little mirrors on throw pillows?
Mostly c’s: You belong in Valhalla (Norse Mythology): From Old Norse for “Hall of the Slain,” Valhalla is a huge hall in Asgard, ruled over by Odin, for those who die in combat. Immortal newbs spend most of their time cleaning up the mess made by incessant competitive battles and abundant libation. Though you can’t engage with the dead much, other Norse gods do stop by now and again to boink the help. Great for submissive tendencies and masochists.
Mostly d’s: She’ol (Jewish Mythology) is the place for you: a realm of darkness to which all dead go, whether righteous or unrighteous and regardless of choices made in life. It is a place of stillness and darkness, cut off from life and from the Hebrew God. The inhabitants are the “shades,” who lack personality or strength. As an immortal here, there’s little to do, as the inhabitants have no preferences or needs. It’s a great place for playing practical jokes, though, as long as you don’t mind being the only one who laughs.
Mostly e’s: Step right into Hell (Christian Mythology): As shown in “Eternal Grind,” the afterlife is what you make it, and given current corporate capitalist dominance in most Christian-saturated cultures, it’s barista work for you!
A mix: If your letters don't line up, never fear. Perhaps you're not ready for an immortal career. Enjoy your life and your uniqueness!
For the following questions, choose the answer that most closely matches your personal preference. Your results will tell you which afterlife you’d suit best as a low-level immortal, and what you’d likely be doing.
1. Favorite kind of movie to lose yourself in?
a. Melodramas or chick flicks
b. Family films
c. Porn
d. Comedies—the dumber the better
e. Slice-of-life dramas or documentaries
2. Best place for a first date?
a. My place, so I can cook a nice meal
b. A park, for a leisurely walk
c. Swinger or BDSM club
d. Comedy club
e. Coffee house
3. What might you wear on that first date?
a. French maid or butler costume
b. Something handmade
c. As little as possible
d. A t-shirt that reads “For Entertainment Purposes Only”
e. Khakis and polo shirt
4. How do you express emotions?
a. I try not to
b. Via hobbies
c. With my safeword
d. With laughter
e. Politely
5. Favorite secondary character from the Wizard of Oz?
a. Toto
b. Auntie Em
c. Flying Monkey
d. The Wizard
e. A member of the Lollipop Guild
6. Favorite toy?
a. Baby doll
b. Big box of crayons
c. Toy handcuffs
d. Fake dog poo
e. Kitchen playset
7. Best time of day?
a. Bright and early
b. Long afternoon
c. Just before the dawn
d. Long quiet evenings
e. It’s all the same to me
You're done! Hope you enjoyed the ride. Now count your answers by letter and use the following guide:
Mostly a’s: All aboard for Elysium (Ancient Greek Mythology): Those favored by the gods for their righteousness, heroism, or other arbitrary reasons remain in this blessed, happy place, indulging in whatever they enjoyed in life. Your immortal task is to assist these blissful souls to maintain their eternal illusion. Sell them their goods, clean their homes—typical servant stuff…forever. Fortunately, they like to rest, so you’ll find time to make mischief now and then.
Mostly b’s: You’re headed to Nirvana (Hindu and Buddhist Mythology): Nirvana is liberation from the repeating cycle of birth, life, and death. For Hindu’s, it offers union with Brahman, the divine ground of existence and a blissful egolessness. For you, it mostly seems like everyone has drunk the Kool-Aid. You’ll either go with the flow and live in endless, mindless peace, or indulge in some decorative arts to make everyone extra comfy. Perhaps weaving or sewing little mirrors on throw pillows?
Mostly c’s: You belong in Valhalla (Norse Mythology): From Old Norse for “Hall of the Slain,” Valhalla is a huge hall in Asgard, ruled over by Odin, for those who die in combat. Immortal newbs spend most of their time cleaning up the mess made by incessant competitive battles and abundant libation. Though you can’t engage with the dead much, other Norse gods do stop by now and again to boink the help. Great for submissive tendencies and masochists.
Mostly d’s: She’ol (Jewish Mythology) is the place for you: a realm of darkness to which all dead go, whether righteous or unrighteous and regardless of choices made in life. It is a place of stillness and darkness, cut off from life and from the Hebrew God. The inhabitants are the “shades,” who lack personality or strength. As an immortal here, there’s little to do, as the inhabitants have no preferences or needs. It’s a great place for playing practical jokes, though, as long as you don’t mind being the only one who laughs.
Mostly e’s: Step right into Hell (Christian Mythology): As shown in “Eternal Grind,” the afterlife is what you make it, and given current corporate capitalist dominance in most Christian-saturated cultures, it’s barista work for you!
A mix: If your letters don't line up, never fear. Perhaps you're not ready for an immortal career. Enjoy your life and your uniqueness!
